A very important discussion about the importance of TRUST
began in December, 2000, on the
Friends and Fellowhelpers Email Listservs,
as one of the good men on the listserv asked an excellent question
about the TRUST issue.
This would lead to other posts and clarifications, which are now
also posted at the web-site:
"
Love & Trust / Force & Distrust"
and
"
That our Word be TRUE".
In starting this excellent discussion, a sincere and good man, named, N, (herein),
made the following post, which is subsequently followed
hereinafter by the rather "full" reply back to him from the Founder of this ministry.
May this be a blessing for all who read it.
-----Original Message-----
From: N
To: FAF Listserv
Date: Saturday, December 09, 2000 11:57 AM
Subject: A question for the ladies
Ladies, I have a quick question for you. It has to do with a females
insecurity of sharing a husband with another woman. Does some of this have to
do with cultural upbringings? My wife wants to be the apple of my eye, to think
she is so beautiful that I could never look at anybody else. She is the apple
of my eye though... She feels inadequate, like
she is not good enough if I even hinted at wanting another wife. This is
definitely an insecurity, but where does it come from? What is the root?...
Shalom,
N
<><
The Founder of this ministry replied as follows...
_________________________________
Of Strength of TRUST
(in Marital INTIMACY)
_________________________________
-----Original Message-----
From: Mark the Founder, TruthBearer.org
To: FAF Listserv
Date: Monday, December 11, 2000 12:44 PM
Subject: Of Strength of TRUST (in marital INTIMACY) ... Re: A
question for the ladies
Greetings in the love of the Lord!
Dear Friends and Fellowhelpers,
Here's another one of those "lengthy" posts I make from time
to time. :-) While this is specifically addressed to N
who asked the original excellent question to which my reply
is addressing, this might be of interest to anyone else
here who enjoys these kinds of posts from me. :-)
In any event, I do pray that this will be a blessing at least
in some way for all who are able to read this...
Dear N,
While, obviously, I am not one of the ladies here (LoL),
I would, nevertheless, add some thoughts here as well, to which
I am confident that some ladies here could affirm if necessary. :-)
As this is going to be a bit "lengthy" (so what else is new
from me, eh? LoL :-) and written off-the-cuff and rather quickly
so as to get the reply out today, I apologize in advance for any
typos or other like thing. I just pray that this be of value for
you and/or anyone else who might read this.
Anyway, N, what excellent questions you ask!
You do surely bless us!
To an extent, sure, it IS a "cultural upbringing", but the matter all actually
goes further unto the heart of the matter when bringing Christian
Polygamy to ANYONE, as well as a first wife.
Namely, we have to first realize what we are, in effect, "saying" to people,
and that includes first wives, of course. That is, when we
are bringing Christian Polygamy to someone else, including a
first wife, what we are, in effect, then "saying" to them:
When it comes to marriage doctrine pertaining
to polygyny, everyone they have ever known, every
Christian pastor, historic leader, their faithful grandma who
never missed a week of going to Church and read
her Bible every day..... we are saying that all of them were...
....WRONG.
That is a VERY heavy psychological burden for any one to bear.
Either the first wife or other person to whom we are saying this
is left with facing a choice of believing that
either everyone else is wrong or WE are wrong.
Initially, it does not matter how much Scripturality that can be shown.
(Even we ourselves had to go slow and test all this before
we ourselves were willing to fully accept the truth of Christian Polygamy,
and if any us were not so slow, then such ones of us would then be such
ones very vulnerable to being tossed to and fro on every wind of doctrine.)
This first burden is the first hurdle for anyone, whether first wife or anyone
else.
And what is the implicit question behind this burden of a first wife
or other person having to see that either "everyone else" is wrong
or we are wrong?
The implicit question they are unwittingly asking themselves is,
"Who can I TRUST here?"
The first wife or other person is asking whether they can trust
"everyone else" or they can trust US who would bring them
this matter.
This becomes even moreso at issue when bringing this to a first
wife because of the marriage and thus the obvious closer
bond than when bringing Christian Polygamy to others.
As such, and because the question asked here
was about first wives anyway, I will address the
remainder of my post here pertaining only to first wives
in this situation. (I just wanted to briefly
start out here by showing that it also applies with
other people as well, when we would bring them Christian
Polygamy, although not to as much of an extent as with
a first wife. :-)
In a marriage, of course, the absolute primary key to the strength
of the bond of the relationship between husband and wife (other than
Christ) is the matter of INTIMACY between them. Intimacy is not
defined as a matter of "physical", but rather that of KNOWING each
other spiritually, emotionally, psychologically, knowing each other's
weaknesses and strengths and outwardly loving the other with
other-centered selfless love. It is being able to have that restful and
peaceful TRUST that the other genuinely and absolutely so loves so
deeply that there it builds an internal peace in knowing that the other
does indeed have the best interests of US in their hearts,
not their own self-interest. The physical union is yet another
means by which such KNOWING occurs as it is not a
matter of self-gratification, but instead a matter of
other-centered intimacy in a selfless physical expression
of ministering a physical marital blessing in such physical union
with each other. (This is why the Scripture is so accurate
when it describes the physical union with the phrase,
"and he KNEW her".) Anyway, the strength of the marital
bond can be easily determined by the depth and strength of
this INTIMACY in the marriage, this ability to so KNOW
and TRUST the other.
And so, with this in mind, let's bring this back to what is happening
for a dear first wife when her husband is trying to bring Christian
Polygamy to her.
She is faced with that initial burden of either having to TRUST
"everyone else" or her husband.
(Yes, of course, some one could say that she should TRUST
the Scriptures, to which that would seem to be an obvious
statement. No doubt, she should trust the Scriptures. That's
a "given". But to say that, at this point, however, is to
demonstrate that one is not understanding how women are
able to think and feel, how they learn God's Word and all,
which is most often a VERY different learning process than
as is the case with men.)
Instead, the first wife in this situation with this burden
is indeed confronted with a direct challenge to the issue
of TRUST in her marriage, suddenly bringing a question
to how strong the intimacy with her husband actually is.
(Women more often than men often analyze and re-analyze
and re-analyze their relationships, especially their marriage,
it's what they often do, although men often do not even realize
their wives do this at all! This is not a "bad" thing, but is
instead an approach by which women understand their
"life" around them. :-)
And the one of first thoughts that will enter the mind of the first wife
at this point is the question of "who seems to benefit" from this whole
polygamy idea? And given all the cultural upbringing and
stereotypes about the concept of polygamy, all the dear first wife
first sees is the idea that this is something is "all about
what her husband wants and *gets*".
So, that's a powerful "blow" to the TRUST factor, as she is now
perceiving (although not necessarily rightly, but it
doesn't matter, because the fact is, she is still perceiving
it this way at this time) that her husband's bringing
Christian Polygamy to her is something only in
HIS self-interest, without any concern for her feelings.
Oh sure, he can say it's not as much as he wants, but
in this first instance, she is not going to be able to receive
it. This is simply because she is not yet in a paradigm
(i.e., stage, way of thinking) whereby she could
otherwise understand such deeper things.
(This is why I am often talking about helping
a wife go through the process of "paradigm-shifting"
from "monogamy-only" to "embracing polygyny".)
At THIS moment, in THIS stage where she is "at",
in THIS paradigm she is at this moment in, she only
sees the topic of polygamy as a matter of her husband's
SELF-interest.
And so, this moment right here becomes a very critical moment
in bringing Christian Polygamy to her.
At this moment, suddenly the issue of TRUST in the solidity
of her marriage is "screaming" out as an issue before her.
And indeed, at this precise moment for her, there is a momentary
seeming breach in the bond of TRUST she can have in her husband.
At this precise moment, though, it is a moment of doubt for her,
and not necessarily a permanent issue, so that what the
husband next does will most often determine whether or not she
will become more entrenched in doubt and distrust or her
husband will help affirm her that she CAN ever TRUST him.
It's not so much that polygamy itself that is the problem, but rather
that it appears to her that her husband is out for his own SELF-interest
and not caring about her feelings. And so, that adds further
impact to her trying to figure out who she can TRUST to be
"right" about their view of polygamy, is it "everyone else" or is
it her husband? Since this initially appears to her as being
something that is in her husband's own SELF-interest,
she has further perspective to believe that her husband
is the one who is wrong here.
And this is where the matter of love-not-force is so important.
If the husband simply "goes forward" and applies the FORCE view
of polygamy, and starts "blaming" his dear first wife as if she
is somehow being "disobedient" here, then he is only
deepening the DISTRUST, damaging if not yet destroying the
intimacy of the marriage, and making it further more difficult for her
to be able to embrace polygyny later! Indeed, the more he tries
to FORCE the idea upon her, the more he is only making
himself look like it's his own SELF-interest he is caring about,
further appearing as though he has little care for her feelings,
and only thus further "proving" to her in her own mind
that he cannot be TRUSTED.
This is also why the matter of covenant breaking doctrine is so key,
as such an affirmation from the Lord our God of the
TRUTH BEARER Vision of love-not-force. For, if a man has bound himself to a covenant
whereby he had given his word to his wife that he would "forsake
all others", if he would unilaterally break that, then unless he obtains her
freely given willful GENUINE ASSENT to re-negotiate the terms
of the marriage covenant to delete that clause (because their
Christian marriage itself is not derived from the terms of the
covenant anyway), then he has only further proven to her one thing:
he is a man whose word is not true.
If he would thus so break his covenant to her, not only is he
committing the "worthy of death" sin of covenant breaking
as shown to us in
Romans 1:31b,32, but he has simply further
proven to this first wife that she was right to doubt him,
as he has thus proven to her that he absolutely CANNOT be TRUSTED.
He would have then moved her from having some temporary doubt
about him unto a deeper matter of DISTRUST, and that brings
a horrifying pain to her.
And so a potentially bad situation becomes tragicly worse and more
difficult, even sometimes unto the horrifying tragedy of even divorce!
(God forbid.)
Indeed, where there once was just doubt of wondering about
whether her husband could be TRUSTED, beyond that, if he would
openly show his willingness to break his covenant to her, appearing
to her as not caring what she feels about it, then she sees only one
thing:
a covenant breaker,
a man whose word is not true.
That is what she sees!
If the man tries to find ways to "wiggle" out of it, he only makes
the DISTRUST even worse. It's not her fault in this.
(Even if he is genuinely trying to be sincere, it does not change
the facts. That is what she sees.)
And so, the first wife then perceives she has found the
answer to the initial burden of the question of whether "everyone else"
is wrong about polygamy or her husband is wrong.
Of course, we know this is absolutely inaccurate, but that is how
she comes to that view, and it all makes total sense!
What does she see here?
Even a godly woman would look at this and could come to these thoughts.
Why?
She would compare the situation to what she would (rightly)
know is in the Scripture (albeit coming to an incorrect conclusion).
And she would not see some good things.
Since the Christian marriage model from
Ephesians 5:22-25
is that of the husband being as Christ and His Churches, she
would be looking to see how "Christ-like" is her husband being. And she
would not be seeing it all.
Indeed, what would she conclude from her observations?
- Christ is selfless, while she is seeing her husband as
only having SELF-interest with regard to polygamy.
- Christ's word is true and would never break His Covenant.
Therewith the Churches can unhesitatingly TRUST Him. But she
is seeing her husband as a man trying to "wiggle" out of keeping
his covenant, or outright breaking it (if he applies the FORCE
view of polygamy and outright takes another at this point).
She sees that her husband's word is not true and he CANNOT
be TRUSTED.
- Christ said "by their fruits ye shall know them", and her husband
has only shown her that he seems to not care about her, only cares
about himself, and he has certainly shown her that his word is not
true, as he is even willing to commit the "worthy of death" sin of
covenant breaking from Romans 1:31b,32.
And that is the point at which the dear first wife perceives
that, since her husband is absolutely proving to her that, truly,
his word is not true, that he CANNOT be TRUSTED, she
is then in powerful pain at the horror to her that the intimacy
between them is "gone".
No matter what he would try to say to try to gently suggest otherwise,
all she is seeing is the actual true fact that his word is not true,
that he CANNOT be TRUSTED. And that is a horror to her
in seeing that as destroying the bond of their marital intimacy,
so important and necessary to her in their relationship.
(My heart goes out to anyone in this kind of a situation,
and I would only point these out for the sake of trying
to protect any from entering into this kind of situation
and for the sake of trying to reveal how things had likely
fallen apart for anyone who might have fallen into this very
heart-wrenching-situation. May this only be a ministry
for all who read this, as this is truly a heart-breaking
matter indeed.)
So, with that, she is left with concluding (albeit
inaccurately, yet totally understandably) that she can TRUST
"everyone else" and CANNOT TRUST her husband with regard
to polygamy doctrine.
And the more she desperately tries to restore that TRUST
to restore that intimacy to restore that marital bond with her
husband, if he instead continues to accuse her of being
"disobedient" or to apply the FORCE view or to continue to
self-justify his willingness to be a covenant breaker and thereby
show that his word is not true, he only further "proves"
to her why she would think she is right that he is wrong
about polygamy!
He may be genuinely trying to solve matters
(as obviously he cannot compromise the truth of the Word).
But the more he replies to her in these particular ways,
the more he is actually still proving these things to her,
as the way she very understandably sees it.
This breaks my heart, not only for the dear wife who
is mistakenly perceiving a horrible perspective now about
polygamy and the depth of pain to which she is then
suffering at the profound horror to her of her feeling she has now
lost that bond of marital intimacy with her husband, but also for
the husband who is then on the verge of losing his first
wife for ever, all because he was simply erring in wanting
to otherwise "do right" and because he had not yet heard of
(or received) the TRUTH BEARER Vision of love-not-force to
so protect him from such error unto such carnage! It breaks
my heart because, while I am certainly pro-polygyny, I am
even moreso anti-divorce, as we know that the LORD
says that he hates divorce in
Malachi 2:16.
So, I said all that to say this...
at that crucial moment of sort of being "when the rubber meets the road"
when a husband is bringing Christian Polygamy to his first wife,
at that specific first moment when she is faced with that initial
great burden of the question of TRUST
(i.e., can she trust "everyone else" or her husband?),
a husband must now remember these principles of love-not-force
here and first hold on to the matter of TRUST in the bond
of marital intimacy.
If that TRUST in marital intimacy "goes", that marriage is well
on its way to some profoundly tragic pain and the husband will
most often headed down a path of causing even further DISTRUST
between them. O how I would that that not be so.
So, instead, my counsel for any husband would be to first
strengthen that bond of marital intimacy. Of course, one can
not and should not make later covenants they cannot keep,
such as promising to never live polygamously, because
one is bound to their covenants, that their word be true.
(How more can I emphasize that than by the preaching
as I do about being bound in covenants, to not be covenant breaking, eh? :-)
Really, though, without that TRUST, nothing else between them
matters with regard to their relationship being an example of
the Christian Marriage model of
Ephesians 5:22-25 of Christ
and His Church.
Until that TRUST is assured within their marriage, as truly
being as the Churches can so TRUST in Christ as His
Love is so selfLESS and His Word is always TRUE,
then a husband's act of trying to bring in matters of doctrine
is simply not as essential *yet* for that marriage, given that
GOD HATES DIVORCE.
Polygamy as a doctrine can always be dealt with later,
but TRUST in the marital intimacy must be built first
(or restored unto healing if it's been damaged), before
a husband can really successfully go further with the matter of
trying to help her embrace Christian Polygamy.
Please understand, I do not say these things to tear down
men or to give women any supposed unScriptural authority
over their husbands. Not at all. Rather, all I am trying to do here
is help husbands have the Spiritual power and understanding
to realize what happens here, why it happens, and what to not
do, so as to truly love their wives and help them rather
than lose them, as divorce so deeply aches my heart to ever
see or hear about!
Indeed, perhaps, it is important that I stop here and take this moment
to assure any one reading this who might still be unaware
about some certain matters. Namely, I would further clarify that,
as most now know about this preaching of these principles of
love-not-force
and all, this most certainly does not give the wife
a sort of "veto" in things, as that would be wholly unScriptural.
(We have long seen that the husband gives his wife his
own authority for her to then use as a sort of "pre-authorization"
given to her from him to later remind him that his word ever be
true, when he makes any covenant with her.) Neither does
this give authority to a wife to usurp or try to be over the man, as
that authority is given to the man by God, not by any term within a
marriage covenant, but purely by God alone, as we see the issues
of headship clearly defined by such verses (among others)
as
1_Corinthians 11:3 and
Genesis 3:16. Moreover, as many
here know, my own beloved ("first wife") princess calls me (small-L) "lord"
(as seen in
1_Peter 3:6), not out of any force on my part whatsoever,
but only out of her own joyous heart, all by love-not-force. This
is not that I be exalted by this, but rather I am instead humbled
profoundly by this, in that any dear precious bride is so able to so
TRUST in me (in knowing that my word is indeed true, with such a
strong bond of marital intimacy between us) that she is able of her
own joyous heart to so willfully do that, for if I tried to FORCE that,
then I would instead then be so unworthy of it to begin with.
So, it humbles me and keeps me ever mindful of walking
in such principles of love-not-force
all that more!
With this understood, I fervently hope that it is clear that I am most
certainly not trying to tear down men here and I pray that my motives
in preaching these things of "profound love" and the TRUTH BEARER Vision of love-not-force be understood for what they are, that of
trying to protect and preserve all marriages (because God hates
divorce), trying to preach the loving way of Christ for all our good,
and trying to help all families truly grow in Christ, each according
to their own levels of calling, as we all go forward in the
TRUTH BEARER Mission of Bringing Christian Polygamy to
the Churches.
So, with this clarification here,
it certainly also cannot be rightly said that I would ever somehow
"give place to Jezebel" to usurp the authority over man.
Rather, the preaching of these things as the principles
of the TRUTH BEARER Vision of love-not-force is, in one
way, about how to sort of "get" to the same desired end result
of husbands indeed Spiritually powerfully walking in proper
headship. The only thing that is not familiar to most
men is the profound depths of love to which this is calling
and exhorting husbands to so walk, that they do
so in what is known as "profound love", selfless, giving
Christ-like outward-flowing love, rather than by the carnal
taking matters into one's own hands and trying to FORCE
it.
For indeed, one thing I would exhort husbands to realize is
that, just as difficult as it might be for us men to slowly and
eventually fully understand and embrace all the intense matters
pertaining to the TRUTH BEARER Vision of love-not-force,
we must stop for a moment and realize that it is that very
same kind of difficulty through which our first wives go
when we would bring them Christian Polygamy, and often
even harder for the wives as they are termed as being
"the weaker vessel" in
1_Peter 3:7!
So, instead of any or all of us husbands blaming first wives for the
supposed "motes" in their eyes as if the wives are being
"disobedient", as if they're not being as submissive as the
Churches unto Christ, in the wives not yet being able to immediately
embrace Christian Polygamy, all of us husbands must first remove
the "beams" in our own eyes for not being as selflessly giving in
such Christ-like "profound love" as Christ loves the Churches,
in our being able to embrace love-not-force
which teaches us
to walk such "profound love" first.
If husbands think love-not-force
is "hard" to fully understand
and embrace, then just think how "hard" it is for their wives to
do the same thing with Christian Polygamy. :-)
And with that, we therefore see that God has given us a way
by which we husbands can most definitely have such deep
understanding and compassion on our first wives in being able
to see just how difficult and "hard" such matters really can be
for such wives!
And the joyous result of realizing that is, as we men then
do indeed learn how to embrace and walk in such
principles of love-not-force, we are then far-far-better able
and positioned to then indeed help our precious beloved first wives
to indeed eventually willingly embrace Christian Polygamy later!
Isn't the Lord so awesome the way He brings things about for
our good? :-)
So,anyway, to bring this to close...
By love-not-force, a husband can instead help his first wife,
as he instead builds that TRUST, strengthens (rather than
damaging) their bond of marital intimacy, shows her by his
patience that she CAN TRUST him, that his word is ever true,
unto his even being able to thereby later show his first
wife that Christian Polygamy is NOT about his own SELF-interest
(as he would have thus proved by his profound love and patience
with her until she herself gladly later willingly embraced it!),
but that it is instead (and she can TRUST him that it really is indeed)
about his growing in such profound love of Christ that he is able to
have such Christ-walking intimacy even beyond the one
relationship with his first wife, even having more love to give
than she might be able to receive all on her own.
And this all goes to the heart of your questions here, N.
While, yes, there is "cultural upbringing" which does have
an impact in causing a wife's insecurity about the matter
of polygyny, the "root" (as you call it) of it all is most
found in the matter of TRUST in the bond of marital
intimacy. Weaker TRUST, weaker bonds, increase
that insecurity. Conversely, stronger TRUST, stronger
bond of marital intimacy, reduce insecurity and pave the
way for growth together in the Christian marriage.
The more a husband can help strengthen that
INTIMACY, where the wife has a total peace of assurance
of her husband's ministering Christ-like love for her,
the more she easily does TRUST that he really does
have that for her and the more she can then indeed
grow with him in Christ, unto later even willfully
and gladly embracing the truth of Christian Polygamy.
So, to overcome insecurity, I would encourage
all to first start with building TRUST in strengthening the
bond of marital intimacy.
And that's why I often sound like a "broken record"
with regard to preaching the TRUTH BEARER Vision
of love-not-force.
I pray that this has been a blessing for all who have have been
to read this.
And I thank you, N, for asking such an excellent question.
I truly look forward to your further input in our discussions here,
as you truly are a blessing.
May the love of the Lord ever be with you and your dear wife.
YHWH bless...
---Mark
Founder
TRUTH BEARER
Acts 24:14
http://truthbearer.org
Continuing the Reformation...
Bringing Christian Polygamy to the Churches
© December 11, 2000, TruthBearer.org
P.O. Box 765, O.O.B., ME 04064
If you want to learn more about the "TRUTH BEARER Vision of love-not-force", then you will want to
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